Reading the Journal Section of the Guardian (Sat 15 2022) I came across an article titled ‘How I gave up an addiction to toxic love’ by Rebecca Humphries.
One observation Rebecca made reminded me of the pattern of my past relationships. Initial attraction and then over time slowly falling out of love. This pattern had repeated itself in every relationship I’d been in until I realised that there was only one common denominator. Me.
It was only when I realised that it was me who was causing the relationships to end and that I needed to take personal responsibility for my past, and more importantly my future, things changed.
Rebecca’s observation was ‘My heartbreak hadn’t come from being dumped. It had come from the inescapable knowledge that, though they had been very different men, I had behaved the same in both relationships. The heartbreak came from knowing I would never be rid of toxic love if I didn’t acknowledge that the only thing all the toxic situations in my life had in common was me. The difficulty with quitting toxic love is that to truly be rid of it involves a long hard look in the mirror.
It’s not self-blame it’s taking responsibility. The moment you accept that the only thing you have any control over is yourself, that’s when you start creating healthy boundaries.’
Wise words and that was exactly my experience. Taking responsibility, looking inside for solutions rather than outside for reasons brings a degree of control to a situation. A degree of control that is absent in the lives of many. Looking inside allows us to break the cycle because the universe has a habit of presenting the same problems over and over, until they are seen for what they are. Only then can change happen allowing those problems to disappear.
Having recurring relationship issues?
Or any other recurring issues for that matter? If so talkingcures has a free interactive therapy coaching session on Unwanted Behaviours that may help you to look in that mirror and create some healthy boundaries.
Rebecca Humphries is an actor and author of Why Did You Stay?